An Open Letter To My Heart: Sorry For Not Taking Better Care Of You

You see, I’ve spent my entire life doing my best not to hurt anyone.

However, in the process, I forgot about my most valuable possession—I forgot about you, my heart.

Looking at things from this perspective, now I see that you were the one I caused the most harm.

The one I neglected, the one I put last and the one I rarely took good care of.

That is why I’m begging you to forgive me for all the pain I put you through, even though I probably don’t deserve it and even though I know that at this point, you’re damaged beyond repair.

First and foremost, I’m sorry for giving you away so easily to all those wrong people.

To all those people who betrayed you, who played with you, who used your kindness, who took advantage of your vulnerabilities and who kept on crushing you, without ever giving a second thought to the permanent consequences it might leave on you.

Sorry for all the hell I made you go through.

For all the pain, disappointment and humiliation you experienced because of me.

Forgive me for all the battles we didn’t win and for all the pointless fights I should have never put you through.

Sorry for all the injuries I caused you, for all the wounds that damaged you and for every nasty scar I can never erase.

I apologize for forcing you to let in all those toxic and manipulative men who ended up tearing you apart and never cared for you.

For those selfish men who never thought of your well-being and who didn’t give a damn whether they’d crush you into pieces.

I’m sorry for not appreciating you enough, for making you believe that you were too weak just for being emotional, for judging you for being your true self and for not fighting harder for you.

Sorry for not trusting you when you kept on sending me signs to run away from someone who was not good for me.

For repeating the same mistakes over and over again, without ever learning from them.

Please, forgive me for allowing narcissists and psychopaths to abuse you in all ways possible, to abandon you when you needed them the most, just to leave you disoriented and lost.

Sorry for pushing you to believe their empty promises and false excuses and to give them endless second chances.

Sorry for making you settle for less than you deserve and sorry for not seeing your true worth. 

I apologize for not listening to you carefully.

For the fact that I kept following your desires without ever paying close attention to your actual needs.

I’m sorry for rushing you and for not giving you enough time to heal when you obviously needed it.

I’m sorry for the times when I didn’t see you weren’t ready for another defeat and nevertheless for putting you through the risk of getting hurt again.

For making you jump from one battlefield to another, without checking if you had fully recovered from your last injuries.

Not only that—I’m also sorry for not allowing you to be harsher on me when I was the one who deserved it.

For not letting you teach me some valuable lessons and knock some sense in me.

Forgive me for not giving you a heads-up even when I saw that a storm was coming.

For not giving you a shield and for not looking after you.

I’m sorry for not cherishing you.

For not seeing how delicate, sensitive, irreplaceable and precious you are.

I apologize for lying to you and not letting you see the truth, even when I knew it very well.

For deceiving you and giving you hope, even when there was none left.

Most of all—I’m sorry for all those situations in which I was the one who broke you.

For all those wrong choices and judgments I made, without thinking about the consequences of my actions.

I’m sorry for all those times I promised never to crush you again and for each time I let you down and for putting you out there even when you clearly needed a break.

Sorry for not protecting you, for not having your back and for not taking good care of you.

Sorry for not respecting or loving you enough and for putting everyone else in front of you.

I’m sorry for not knowing and not being better.