To My Future Lover, Please Know This

To my future lover: I’m sorry in advance.

I’ve always known I am a hopeless romantic and that loving comes easy but the truth is, I’m terrified and I’ve built up walls because I am scared. I am envious of those who can wear their heart on the sleeve, they make it seem so easy to fall in love. Albeit, the cost of that may be heartbreak after heartbreak but I always wondered if I can ever be that. I can’t. It wasn’t even exactly heartbreaks that made me recoil the heart on my sleeve, it’s the fact that loving and to be loved by someone else means opening up to another person– and that is not an easy thing to do for me.

I pride myself to being a very outgoing and social person who dares to try new things, one who dares to go on roller coaster rides just for the thrill, and one who dares challenge herself in new situations but when it comes to intimate relationships I am always cautious, guarded. It is not attributed to any sort of trust issue or past trauma that led me to this spot, it is my personal fear of not being wanted and the fear of being forgotten. I have to stress, this isn’t a childhood trauma this is just a fear built on observation of modern romance where people are seemingly easy to replace. I’m scared that you’ll walk out of the door the minute you saw someone who you think is better. That is your choice and I can’t blame anyone for that, but I’m terrified of it. Just terrified. When it comes to gambling with my emotions, I rather play conservatively because I am scared of it not working out, not meeting my rose-tinted view of romance, and I’m scared of you eventually leaving.

So, my future lover, I’m sorry that it’ll be an uphill battle with me– initially– because it takes a lot of persistence and patience to climb over my walls and I hope that you have it in you. And I am sorry if I push you away, it’s not because I don’t like you. It just means that I needed some space to assess what we could be. But please don’t let that be a means of leaving because then we’ll never know, will we? I’m sorry if I fall silent with you. Please understand it’s not really you but that I am still dealing with a past that I haven’t been able to let go. So be patient with me because I really do want to open up again but it’ll take some time. I’m sorry if I hide from you, I really mean for you to find me because I get lost sometimes and I want you to hold my hand through this, even if I’m hard to hold onto.

I’m sorry to you, my future lover, this isn’t going to be the easiest task. Loving me. But I can promise you this: the moment that I open up the gates to my heart, I’ll put my heart on a silver platter for you. I’ll love so hard that I am willing to put all my bets in this because that’s how I am. A daring romantic. I dare to love you because you fought so hard to love me.

How do I know that that’s how it will play out? Of the string of romances and crushes I’ve had. Only two of those instances showed me how I could love another person so deeply that when it all came to a close, it was bittersweet. Bitter because it caused a lot of pain to let go but sweet because it showed me what I am capable of doing. To love so hard that I am willing to risk it all. But I don’t do this for everyone who comes along; I told you before, I don’t wear my heart on a sleeve. So I hope you understand if I seem distant and cold, that’s just me protecting myself from being scathed. And I’m sorry in advance if this hurts you along the way. I’m so, so sorry. Just be patient with me because I do want to love again, I do. And I hope that it’ll be you standing at the gates of my heart through the thick and thin because I promise you, it will get better.